Zero-Day Cream

Our indulgent zero-day cream relieves and nourishes dry, chapped hands, leaving behind a silky, refreshing moistness that repels 0days throughout the day.
 
A special Pro-Vitamin B5 formula (written in Perl) automatically sends your hands forward in time when presented with an unknown threat, therefore rendering even the most sophisticated virus a harmless outdated exploit which your future hands are already patched against.
 
Don't accept snake oil. Buy Zero-Day Cream.
 
SAFETY WARNING: Ensure hands are thoroughly cleansed of this product with water before going to bed, as this helps to prevent permanent "future hands", which can cause the rapid onset of wrinkles and arthritis, and may affect future uses of Zero-Day Cream. If bones become visible after repeat use, visit your doctor. May cause one or both hands to disappear instantly if your future self has received an amputation - do not apply cream if you suspect this may happen within the next twenty years.