Modern InfoSec Starter Pack

Appropriating hacker culture has never been easier with these premium tools and tips, expertly sourced from our trusted network of Hacker Health experts!
 
Are you looking to climb up the corporate lifestyle ladder with your budding #InfoSec career? Do you need more ways to stand out and sound impressive when it comes to your daily office meetings and social media posts? Need advice on what generic opinions you should have on vulnerabilities, greyhat hacking, and government backdoors? Look no further than our high quality "Modern InfoSec Starter Pack", now on sale at only $30,000.
 
We guarantee that within only one week of using our product, you'll completely blend in with InfoSec culture. That's a Hacker Health promise.
 
The Starter Pack includes:
 
NordVPN sponsorship.
 
Your very own edgy-sounding Discord server.
 
Dedicated Kali Linux laptop, because the louder you are the less you hear.
 
A complimentary welcome CVE from a known company!
 
RedTeam Casual clothes bundle, including ironic/nerdjoke t-shirt (with explanation on the tag), complex "tactical" trousers, and a crumpled lanyard from a historical conference. Increases apathy by 50%!
 
A list of 200 authentic hacker/activist twitter accounts to follow - no need to interact with them, even being linked by follower lists is enough to drive you up the search list.
 
Tutorial on inserting mysterious language into your day-to-day speech, e.g. saying that "specific hacking operations" were traced back to "a certain three letter agency".
 
Tickets to hacker events such as CCC / EMF Camp with nearby hotel stay. This ensures you'll be able to attend without actually seeing any questionable talks from borderline criminals, plus you'll never have to interact with real hackers or mix with filthy degenerates sleeping in tents. Enjoy the comfort of the hotel bar with other InfoSec Thought Leaders and only dip into the main festival in order to take photographs for posting on LinkedIn. Great for impressing non-InfoSec friends and family!
 
Tickets to non-hacker events such as DefCon, BlackHat, and BSides, with confirmed vendor ticket allocation.
 
Subscription to The Hacker News, where you can socialise with fellow bootlickers and Apple enthusiasts.
 
Conference slides containing jokes about how many conference slides contain Sun Tzu quotes.
 
Free lifetime access to a bot which adds things like "#OSINT" and "CTFs" to your social media profiles, plus pastes in all your cybersecurity certification acronyms. Fully Loaded InfoSec Mode: rotates between a pool of hashtags including #DFIR #REDTEAM #PENTEST #BLUETEAM #PURPLETEAM #DEVSECOPS #SECDEVOPS #PENTEST #HUMINT #OPSEC and many more.
 
Random IP address generator for those all-important daily #ThreatIntel tweets.
 
Collection of political hacker laptop stickers sourced from various global meetups. No need to attend, everything is shipped straight to you! Warning: for impressing colleagues and coffee shop patrons only, do not display around hackers or you may be quizzed about your actual knowledge, which may lead to permanent reputational damage.
 
Prebuilt AI package that writes detection for Red Team tools, which reinforces a model to evade Red Team tool detection, which reinforces the model that writes detection-evasion detection, that reinforces the model that...
 
Industry-accredited script examples for giving interviews about password strength and policy.
 
A free mechanical keyboard with only one attached condition: you must post about your mechanical keyboard at least once per week.
 
Over 50 anecdotes about threat hunting and self-learning defensive AI for you to share at dinner parties and social events, carefully crafted to be as vague and sprawling as possible, ensuring guaranteed follow-up questions from your peers. Full dialogue tree available on request.
 
Official Hacker Health "pretend that you're not a system admin" toolkit, including hacker culture styleguide and beginner memes.
 
 
BONUS MATERIAL, LIMITED TIME ONLY!
 
Access to our online historical InfoSec twitter debate library, including guides on:
 
Justifying why you released a whitehat PoC that then caused hospital ransomware attacks
Arguing about disclosure principles
Boilerplate attack/defence strawman statements
Lengthy discussions about whether or not hacktivism is ethical
Use of war metaphors when discussing firewall configuration