Improved $5 wrench
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a wrench is a good guy with an even bigger wrench.
You've probably seen this XKCD comic from 2009 about cryptography and human weakness. Or perhaps you're one of many cheeky scrublords that discovered it much later and thought it was referring directly to cryptocurrency holders.
Unfortunately for you, the $5 wrench attack very easily applies to both and is most certainly on the rise.
That's why we've designed an even more powerful wrench which promises to defend against would-be thugs who want access to your secrets, filth, and/or DogeCoin.
Our improved $5 wrench is 100 times stronger than the competition, and priced at only $400! As a discerning customer of the Hacker Health elite collection we trust you've already done the maths and noticed the premium savings that are being passed onto you.
But wait, what if an attacker also purchases one of our $400 wrenches and is swinging at you demanding passwords? Do you submit and fearfully dump your brainwallet into the meatspace realm? No, because we've got you covered with our extravagent $1500 defense wrench option, causing your enemies to flee in terror.
In fact, we have a range of options to suit your needs via the dropdown menu. Our top scientist, Cyber Sun Tzu, has vigorously analysed every single wrench to ensure they operate to the highest possible standard.
DISCLAIMER: We are not responsible if the attacker completely ignores the $5 wrench attack and actually manages to crack your encryption, or simply waits until you incompetently leak the credentials yourself. If you doubt your own ability to keep a secret, apply a few drops of our OpSec Oil.